My life was filled with hurt and tragedy before I was even born. My biological mother got pregnant at 16 to a handsome and charming older man, and they were introduced to Dr. Schober by a friend of my birth father. Doc, as she preferred to be called, was doing abortions and alternative birthing in peoples homes and in her office in Pacoima, California on the east side of the San Fernando Valley. I was told by the person that introduced them to Doc that they originally wanted to abort me, but at some point decided to place me up for adoption. Doc was a closet lesbian who had been looking for a child for her and her partner to raise, so she told my birth parents she knew a couple looking for a child. After my birth, Doc simply put her name on my certificate, had a doctor friend sign it, and she sent it off to be certified by the state. I went on believing that Doc was my mother, and some guy I never met named William Schober who supposedly died while she was pregnant, was my dad until I found contrary paperwork when I was 34 years old.
When I was three, my adoptive parents decided to leave me with a neighbor couple so they could go out for the night. I felt immediate dread and my gut instinct new before it happened, but no amount of crying would change their mind. They left me with this sadistic pedophile couple; she laughed as he raped me. I was haunted with nightmares and flashbacks that ruined most of my life.
There have been a few studies about women who get molested, raped, or sexually abused. It seems to happen more than one time; I am that statistic. My adoptive parents moved me to Simi Valley to be safe, and at age 11 we moved to Moorpark so I could have horses. My 42 year old neighbor took his sweet time grooming me like any good pedophile does. Within 6 months he went from daddy figure, to sick, perverse version of a boyfriend. He told me I was the only man in the world that would ever love or understand me. He was wrong.
At 14 I rushed into a relationship with a man 9 years older than me. He was charming, supplied me with a plethora of drugs, and was controlling and verbally abusive. At 18 it turned physical, and when I broke up with him, he beat me. I ran outside, but he grabbed me on the sidewalk, beat me up again, then dragged me into his parents house. He beat me some more, ripped my clothes off, then he raped me. I never talked to him again.
At 18 I went with some friends to Vegas. While they played blackjack, I decided I wanted a real drink, not a watered down free one. Two men approached me, the talkative one kept my attention while the quiet creepy weird slipped something into my drink. Thats the last thing I remember before waking up in cheap motel – bloody, robbed, and raped again.
I don’t know why I was giving this tragic life; I didn’t deserve it. No one deserves to be raped, not ever, not for any reason. But not only was I raped, beaten, drugged, and physically abused, I was also verbally abused at home. Sandy hated that Doc had adopted me, she said it ruined their sex live, and she blamed me for everything. She called me a whore, a fat slob, a lazy good for nothing bitch, and when I was younger, she threatened to throw me back into the trash where they found me. Sandy was filled with anger and rage, and Doc did nothing to stop her. She was in her own world filled with parties, lies, drug and alcohol binges. She also floated in an out of jail; her longest stint was 18 months when I was just 5. I didn’t understand time, and I thought she had abandoned me for life. Not only did my home life suck, but I was also bullied every day of my life at school and by neighbor kids. I was either beaten up, had rocks thrown at me, or I was shunned from everything. No one protected me – not my parents, not the teachers, not a the neighbors. No one.
I was filled with hate, anger, shame, guilt, rage, disgust, hurt, and self loathing. I contemplated suicide more days than I can even remember. I became a drug addict and dealer, alcoholic, criminal and all around asshole. I acted out in every way possible and my mantra was “fuck the world before it fucks me.” I spent years trying to control my life with food; either overeating, starving, or barfing it all up after a binge. All the highs were temporary – nothing gave me relief from the pain. I even tried an overdose on pills, and in the midst of passing over, I didn’t go up or down, instead I started floating off to the right into a cold dark abyss. I realized before it was too late that even death would not give me any relief. I realized, in that moment, I have to fix my life before I destroy myself. Thus started the very long and painful journey of looking inward and dredging up all the trauma. I had to talk about things that I never wanted out of the “pain-boxes” I had shoved them into. Slowly, over time, I began to see that the more light I shinned on the monsters, the smaller they got. Some took a long time to evaporate in the light, and some I let crawl back into the caves and hide until I was ready to deal with them.
It took a lot of work, and during periods of time would take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, but I kept moving forward. I kept digging. All the painful work eventually paid off and most of my days are now filled with happiness and inner peace.
This blog will be my sharing of how I not only overcame, but I learned to thrive inspite of all the horrific things that happened to me. Its taken me a long time to make this decision – its not easy to relive events and expose myself like this, but in the end I hope that my confessions give someone else strength to face their own dreams and find their own joy. I plan on addressing the top 20 things I did to turn my life around. Too many people make recovery look overly simplistic and its not. I see too many books, blogs, and advice stating that “I just did this one thing and Im fine now.” Thats not me. I did many things to get well, but the most important, for me, was finding a good therapist. Everything else worked as an adjunct to the therapy, but all of these things have a very important role in my evolution to happiness.
20 Steps to Find Happiness and Increase Confidence
- First and foremost I had to find a therapist. Over the years I have seen about 20 and maybe 3 or 4 of those were good. Later I will discuss how to find a good therapist and what to expect.
- Finding your own spirituality or connection to life.
- Exercise – Running.
- Hiking – Nature.
- Motorcycle riding.
- Eating healthy and suppliments.
- How to properly use and carry a gun.
- Boxing – Self Defense.
- Situational Awareness.
- Yoga – Meditation.
- Writing – Journaling.
- 12 Step Programs.
- Self help books, workshops, seminars.
- Volunteering and giving back.
- Affirmations- Gratitude – Visualization
- Photography – Hobbies
- Love Me Book.
- Healthy friends and support system.
- Making a commitment to work at getting healthy and being happy.